Hey, you guys. I'm sorry I haven't been posting here or anywhere. A lot has been happening in my life lately, I barely have time for anything except school. I completely lost my creativity as well and whenever I actually DO make something after hours of raging at Photoshop, my resources, the render, myself, my computer, the world, the neighbors; I end up hating it more and more every second. Gotta love low self esteem.


DO NOT READ THE ITALIC PARAGRAPH(S) IF YOU DO NOT WANT TO READ ABOUT SELF HARM, ABUSE AND OTHER DRAMA - JUST SKIP TO THE BOTTOM PARAGRAPH


I haven't been feeling well, physically or mentally. My school is forcing me to see a psychologist. They gave my parents a deadline. I could get taken away and forced to get help. I don't want help. I'm not saying I don't need it, I just don't want it... I know I won't get better if I stay in this school. My teacher was slowly getting convinced that I can handle things on my own, untill she saw a cut on my hand. She started crying and begged me to get help, I couldn't stand to see her tears... she's like family to me. I never planned to cut myself. I still don't. It's a long story what happened then. But just so you're sure - I only ever tried once, because I found a blade at the wrong time. But my friend saved me.
I couldn't stand to see my teacher cry, so I agreed to see a psychologist... because I want to show my parents that I most definately am NOT okay. I know I have depression, I've known for a year. This whole year, they haven't believed me even for a second. They say I'm overreacting and seeking attention. Only last night did I finally manage to convince them that I'm not okay. That I hate myself, and hate everyone in my school. That I've been having... bad thoughts. That the only thing that's keeping me going on are my online friends, which they (my parents) don't trust at all. I never wanted to dissapoint anyone, I never wanted to hurt myself, physically or mentally. I need help. But I don't want it... I'm not crazy. People look at me like I am. Maybe it's in my eyes. They're afraid. I am too...

This is what bullies have done to me. They made me hate myself, they made me hate them. Was this their goal? I'm apparently insane. I'm broken, I don't know if I can be fixed. I'm not the cheerful little girl I was a year ago. I want my innocence back...





So anyway. I might not post much or at all till Christmas break. I'm only posting now because I'm home sick. You can always catch me on skype (aggie.98) - I'm on there all the time.

I'm sorry, guys.

Seeing a psychologist isn't a bad thing. A lot of times it can help you sort out all the crazy junk going in your head. Plus if you do have depression or any other kind of problem they could help get you get medication for it if it's as bad as you're describing it to be. And on a somewhat positive note, it will definitely bring to your parent's attention that you aren't okay.

You're right too, you aren't crazy. Even if ppl look at you crazy. Hell I used to dress in all black, I had super dark poofy frizzy hair, did my makeup theee worst, and with my pale skin, in middle school people would call me "The Grudge", go ughhhhhh (that noise the Grudge girl would make) when I walked by and look at me like I was an alien. Plus, I never wore shorts because I was self conscious about what people would think of me being so pale. Eventually, and thankfully, I grew out of that all black gothic phase, learned to take care of my hair and do my makeup so it didn't look like eyeliner busted around my eyes and now I look back on those people who called me the grudge, the looks I got, and I can laugh. While I'm not the most confident girl in the world, I stopped caring about what people think of me. I wear shorts now, I leave the house in no makeup, sloppy hair and my boyfriends over sized shirt. So I look like death and get ppl looking at me funny, I don't care. I still get ppl who say "you need to get a tan" or "you need to leave the house" cause my skin, I just shrug and ignore them.

You're still young as much as you probably hate to hear it, even though you're wise beyond your years. I was the same way, but there are things that as you get older you learn to live with and things you learn to get past. School sucked for me. Middle and highschool, especially HS, were the worst times ever for me. So bad I cried sometimes before going to school because I didn't want to go. Probably for different reasons than you might not want to go to school for. But I got through it, and all those problems that were so relevant in school and took up my life, are all gone now, and I'm planning the road ahead, with highschool - and it's problems - behind me.

My advice might not matter, but what I'm saying is, sometimes you have to stick through it. Put up your armor skin and let insults, and dirty looks and bad actions slide off of it. You can get through it, and especially if you accept the help you're trying to be given, be it your teacher, the psychologist, or even later down the road - your parents. Once highschool is over, those stupid kids and what they do won't matter anymore.

(You can delete this after you read it if you want.)

I dropped my phone onto my keyboard and your post turned all blue... o.o Oops.

I can imagine the hell you were going through at school. I'm well aware that I'm not the only one going through this... but the reason I'm getting treated like this... is so... idk... I get called stupid, a slut, b*tch, wh*re, fat, ugly, retarded, undereducated... all because of my nationality. People in Europe are insanely prejudiced when it comes to foreigners, especially Americans. They watch too many movies, and then they have the impression that all Americans are fat, slutty, mean attention wh*res. I know they're just jealous, but, gosh, it hurts so much to be called all that. I became insecure because of them. I do think that I'm fat, ugly and slutty. The first two are definately true... but how would they know what I'm doing to my body? Have they ever seen me expose it, or make out with a guy in an obscene way? No. And I guess I'm the only one that still believes I've never been in bed with a guy (or a girl, considering my sexuality); and that I'm the only one that still knows I've never even had my first kiss.
I dress just like they do. Except a lot of my clothes are from second hand stores, because me and my family are kinda poor atm. But is it that noticable? I wouldn't know the difference. My hair is unique, it's really curly... But I've only ever been complimented for it. Not by them, they're jealous. But all my life, adults have said they'd kill to have my hair. And my skin. I'm so pale that people stop me on the street or in the halls at school and ask if I'm feeling okay. Recently the same teacher came up to me at school 3 times in the same day and asked if I feel alright. It's embarassing, but I do like being different and unique. The feeling that someone wants something I have is amusing. Just because I don't straighten my hair ever day and put a crapload of makeup on my face everyday doesn't mean I'm worse than they are. I love my hair, and I love my skin. I don't have to use anything like foundation, or put anything on my skin at all - it's flawless, and that makes me so glad; I don't have to destroy my skin from young age, unlike them. The most I ever wear is mascara, rarely a bit of eyeliner.
Someone recently told me to gtfo of the 9th grade and go back to 8th where I belong, and that I don't have the right to stand up to them because I'm younger. How the hell can someone say such a stupid thing?
I'm sick of getting called names. Of being pushed around and threatened. I've been tripped countless times, one time, a girl even pushed me off a flight of stairs. It ended with me having a twisted ankle, and her having a slap mark on her cheek. No one believed that she was the one who started it though, and I almost got in trouble. Even though there were witnesses. I slapped her after she walked down the stairs and tried to step on me, because I was just laying at the bottom, unable to get up. People are so cruel. It could have been much worse. What if I twisted my neck? Would it still be funny? I doubt it. But with them, you never know. I doubt anyone other than family would mourn my death...

Hopefully once I go to highschool, I'll find friends. Friends that will accept me for who I am, and won't judge me for being different. There's a German girl in my school, and an Asian chick. They have friends. Why can't I have friends? People at school think I'm shy. When the truth is, I'm a fiesty, talkative, playful-teasing, b*tchy punk chick - but only my online friends know that. They love me for my personallity. It sucks that we're all scattered all around world, I love them so much.
I've tried to stand up to the bullies, but what can one person do against 3/4s of a school?...

Besides all of that, there are other things bringing me down. Missing my boyfriend, being lonely, feeling unloved. My mom is almost never home, she overworks herself. My grandma has a heart disease and refused to have surgery. My mom's doctors straight-forwardly told me that I'll probably have cervical or breast cancer when I grow up - it's so unfair, I want to have children, but I don't want to pass cancer onto them! And now I find out that there's a big chance I won't be able to have any at all...

Everything sucks.

So in Poland Highschool is only 3 grades? 10-12? If you're still stuck in school with a bunch of young middle schoolers I can see why they act so young and immature -.- I doubt as many people are like that when they get to the older grades, I think most ppl grow out of that bully phase.

You said it, only you know if you're a slut or not. And if you know you aren't then you can just laugh inside when they call you one. Plus you already have half the battle won - you know why they do this - they're jealous. You know what what they're jealous of, your skin, your hair, etc. You already have a 1-up on them. That's something you can keep as an inside joke to yourself, and amusement. Don't look at them like they're better than you, look at them like small immature children. When a little toddler boy punches me in my leg and laughs in my face for it, I don't take it too seriously because he's a child and I just think his parents should teach him better. These kid who bully you should know better but because of horrible parenting and immaturity they do bully and get a kick from it. Just think of them like that little boy, childish, annoying and dumb - and that luckily you won't be there with them when reality hits em in the face.

And you shouldn't be worrying about having kids and stuff. I mean, that's really far away from now, and all that isn't set in stone. Its just gonna stress you out more than you need to. That's something you should think about 10 years from now.